ACTUARIAL JOKES (?!)

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Who says actuaries don't have a sense of humor? Well, a lot of people.

 

Last modified Apr. 23, 2014. The latest joke is 189.

 

Thanks to all of you who have visited and contributed over the years.

Warning: I make no representation that these actuarial jokes are actually funny.

Before sending me a joke I don't already have, please check the requirements at the bottom of this page. I am trying to keep these jokes politically correct.

 

 

 

 

 

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JOKES:

1. Actuary talking: "a. There are three kinds of actuaries. Those that can count. And those that can't." (Attributed to Fred Kilbourne) b. There are 10 kinds of actuaries, those who understand binary numbers and those who don't. Combining a and b: c. There are 11 kinds of actuaries, those who can count with binary numbers and those who cannot. (Attributed to Esko Kivisaari at esko.kivisaari@fkl.fi) d. There are two kinds of actuaries: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data ... (Attributed to Darrel Chvoy at dchvoy@platinumre.com).
2. An actuary is someone who wanted to be an accountant, but didn't have the personality for it.
3. An accountant is someone who wanted to be an actuary, but didn't have the personality for it.
4. An actuary is a place where they bury dead actors. (Submitted by John Dinius at 75112.3530@compuserve.com)
5. Two people are flying in a hot air balloon and realize they are lost. They see a man on the ground, so they navigate the balloon to where they can speak to him. They yell to him, "Can you help us - we're lost." The man on the ground replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, about two hundred feet off the ground." One of the people in the balloon replies to the man on the ground, "You must be an actuary. You gave us information that is accurate, but completely useless." (Attributed to Fred Kilbourne at Fred@thekilbournecompany.com in the Journal of Commerce on 4/21/78, and submitted by David Fountain at fountain@supernet.net) The actuary on the ground yells to the people in the balloon, "you must be in marketing." They yell back, "yes, how did you know?" The actuary says," well, you're in the same situation you were in before you talked to me, but now it's my fault." (This joke was improved upon by both John Dinius and Stacey Haws at shaws@gwic.com)
6. Definition of a computer: An actuary with a heart.
7. Actuarial bumper stickers: a) Actuaries probably do it. b) Actuaries do it with frequency and severity. c) Actuaries do it without risk. (c submitted by Jeffery E. McGill at jeff_mcgill@mercer.ca) d) Actuaries do it by integrating by parts. (d submitted by ocactnet@iac.net) e) Actuaries do it continuously and discretely. (e submitted by Larry Decker at FranDecker@aol.com) f) Actuaries do it until death or disability, whichever comes first. f sub 1) Actuaries due it until death, disability or withdrawal. g) Actuaries do it with varying rates of interest. (f and g submitted by Walt Lowrie at lowrie@math.uconn.edu) (f sub 1 submitted by Larry Tarini at trazzogoiby@yahoo.com) h) Actuaries do it with models. (h submitted by Paul Budde at Paul_Budde@blanch.com) i) Actuaries do it with reserve. j) Actuaries do it with assurance. k) Actuaries do it with APL. (i, j and k submitted by Cameron Brett at OM38531@exchange.oldmutual.com) l) Actuaries do it with professional guidance. (l submitted by Gerard Farmar at OM35994@exchange.oldmutual.com) m) Take a risk - marry an actuary. (m seen by Philip Lew.) n) Actuaries make it come out right. (n submitted by Jerry Enoch at jefren@verizon.net) o) Actuaries do it after passing exams. (submitted by Eugene Korol at eugene.m.korol@gmail.com)
8. Three men are sentenced to die by guillotine. The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man's neck. The king says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the first man gets up, relieved, and the second man takes his place. Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man's neck. The king says again, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the second man gets up, free. The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, "I think I see what the problem is ... "
9. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
10. What is the difference between an introverted actuary and an extroverted actuary? An introverted actuary stares at his own feet during a conversation, while an extroverted one stares at the other person's feet. (Attributed to Al Beer; Submitted by Sue Scott at sue.scott@londonlife.com)
11. Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the right. The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it. (Several variations on this: golf shots; head in refrigerator and feet in oven; etc.)
12. An actuary is a person, who passes as an expert on the basis of a prolific ability to produce an infinite variety of incomprehensive figures calculated with micrometric precision from the vaguest of assumptions based on debatable evidence from inconclusive data derived by persons of questionable reliability for the sole purpose of confusing an already hopelessly befuddled group of persons who never read the statistics anyway! (Submitted by Kathleen Miller at Kathleen.C.Miller@state.or.us)
13. What did God say when he created Actuaries? He scratched his head and said, "Go figure!" They took it literally... (Submitted by Jason Nonis at jnonis@halcyon.com)
14. An actuary is someone who'd rather be completely wrong than approximately right. (Submitted by Terry Alfuth at actuary@metronet.com)
15. Actuaries are people who skipped the first six grades of school ... when all the other kids were learning short words. (Submitted by Terry Alfuth)
16. Actuaries like to have fun ... when nobody is watching. (Submitted by Terry Alfuth)
17. An actuary is flexible; he/she is either right, or can prove it to be so. (Submitted by Terry Alfuth)
18. A lawyer, an accountant, and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover. The lawyer says a lover because it's legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover. The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse. The actuary says it's better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you're with the other, and then go to the office to do some work. (Submitted by Dave Powell)
19. Question: What do actuaries use as contraceptives? Answer: Their personality; (Submitted by Steve Pummer at pummer@cybergate.org); This is a low probability contingency and can be safely disregarded as a serious liability to be underwritten. (Submitted by Mark Simon at Mark.Simon@acs-hro.com)
20. A consulting actuary is a person who, when asked what time it is, tells you how to build a watch. (Submitted by Steve Pummer)
21. A consulting actuary dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter and a crowd of well-wishers. St. Peter says, "Congratulations. You're the oldest person ever to come to these gates." The consultant says, "But I was only 50 when I died." St. Peter replies, "Really? Your billings indicate that you must be at least 140!" (Submitted by Steve Pummer)
22. A group of lawyers and a group of actuaries are travelling by train to conferences in the same city. The lawyers were surprised to see that the actuaries had only bought one train ticket for the entire group. When the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the actuaries got up and went into the same bathroom. As the conductor went down the aisle, the lawyers dutifully handed him their tickets. When he came to the bathroom he said, "Ticket, please." One ticket slid out, he punched it, and went on his way.

On the return trip home, the lawyers thought they'd try the same trick, but this time they noticed the actuaries had not bought any train tickets. As the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the lawyers got up and went into the same bathroom. One of the actuaries walked over to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Ticket, please." (Submitted by Steve Pummer)

23. And then there is the actuary who was so dull the other actuaries noticed. (Submitted by Steve Pummer)
24. A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live." The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an actuary." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer." (Submitted by K.C. Winstead at winstead@mlode.com)
25. Actuarial bumper sticker: Old actuaries never die; they just get broken down by age and sex. (Attributed to Bob Crompton; Submitted by Bill Stanfield at SanRichie@aol.com);
they just lose their Faculties, get Institutionalised, or drop out of their Society. (Submitted by Gerard Farmar at OM35994@exchange.oldmutual.com); they just lose their reserve. (Submitted by Bob Reuter at UltimateLife@bellsouth.net)
26. An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car. The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go. (Attributed to Fred Kilbourne in The National Underwriter on 2/28/75, and submitted by Jeff Courchene at jeff.courchene@milliman.com.) The company president is behind the wheel, squinting to see while looking through a dust-covered windshield. (Source?) The claims person is on the roof tossing out dollar bills. (Last sentence attributed to Rick Dorman)
27. An actuary is someone who expects everyone to be dead on time. (Submitted by 104470.1540@compuserve.com)
28. Definition of CPA: Can't Pass Actuarial exams. (Submitted by Cuz Maydak at CMaydak@wow.com). Definition of CFA: Can't Face Actuarial (Anonymous).
29. In response to "How much is two plus two?", a marketing VP will say "22" (Submitted by John at 75112.3530@compuserve.com); an accountant will say "4.00"; a mathematician will say "I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following proof ... "; an actuary will ask "What do you want it to equal?" (Submitted by Carl Malmquist at carlm@oasis.novia.net); a lawyer will say "it's 4, but with charges it's 12." (Anonymous); another marketing VP will say "it depends - are you a buyer or a seller? (Submitted by Finlay Marshall at finlaymarshall@giffordvale.wanadoo.co.uk)
30. What is the difference between God and an actuary? God doesn't think He's an actuary. (Submitted by R.P.)
31. A casualty actuary priced an automobile "Fire and Theft" policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, "Who would steal a burnt car?" (Submitted by Rod Wilton at RWILT@jcpenney.com)
32. A life actuary designed a new coverage "Senility Insurance". He expected low claims because "If you remember that you have a policy, it is proof that you are not senile." (Submitted by Rod Wilton)
33. Question: Why did the metalhead (i.e., someone who listens to heavy metal music) want to become an actuary? Answer: He wanted to get paid to predict death and destruction. (Submitted by Mattison Narramore at mattison@panix.com and http://www.panix.com/~mattison/)
34. Question: How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: a) How many did it take last year? (Submitted by Steve Mildenhall at mildhall@ix.netcom.com) b) How many do you want it to take? c) None, after credibility weighting, we have indications that the bulb is still lit. d) None, the insurance department is not allowing any modifications to the bulb at this time. e) Have any of our competitors changed bulbs yet? (b through e submitted by Pip) f) None, they prefer to leave us in the dark. (submitted by kevin.moorhouse at kevin.moorhouse@lineone.net ) g) Five: one to screw it in, and four more to estimate the length of its life before being screwed in. h) The same number that it took last year, adjusted for trending. i) Two- The Senior Actuary presents the proposal to Managment and the Junior actuary does the work. j) One- But he/she has to do battle first with Sales and Marketing over the issue. k) One- But first, it takes ten years to pass the exams. (h through k submitted by Ed Baum at EBaum@mercuryinsurance.com.) l)There's insufficient data to reach a firm conclusion. (submitted by Robert Prochnow at Robert_Prochnow@swissre.com
35. "I once told an actuary to go to the end of the line. He came back five minutes later and said he couldn't because someone else was already there." (Submitted by Mitchell A. Kaplan at qmak@usa.pipeline.com)
36. When a marketing officer asked an actuary why he recommended selling more life insurance policies to 98 year olds, the actuary replied, "According to our tables, very few of them die each year." (Submitted by Mitchell A. Kaplan)
37. Straight man: "Look at those white horses over there." Actuary: "They're white on this side, anyway." (Submitted by John Dinius at 75112.3530@compuserve.com)
38. An actuary, two accountants and a hippie were flying in a four seat plane when the actuary calculated it was highly probable they would run out of gas and crash over the sea if they did not parachute to safety over land soon. The accountants found the parachutes and after several minutes of calculations came back together to announce there were only three parachutes, but four people. One of the accountants sarcastically looked at the actuary and said, "You actuaries are supposed to be so smart - why don't you figure out how 3 can equal 4?" The actuary seriously replied, "The proof would be a waste of time; the most logical way to decide this is to have the person with the smallest remaining life expectancy stay on the plane." When the actuary did the calculations, he decided that the 54 year old smoking hippie was the one who had to stay. With this decided, the actuary promptly grabbed a parachute and jumped out. The accountants looked at the hippie with a great deal of guilt since they hadn't comprehended the calculations or the logic behind the decision. The hippie looked at them and said, "Man, that really sucks! I wish I could have gotten my pot out of my backpack before that actuary jumped out with it." (Submitted by Damon Ogden at DOgden6808@aol.com)
39. The ACTUARY's PRAYER (ver 3.01)

Our model, which art in nowhere.
Guessing be thy name.
Thy assumptions come,
Thy will be done in future as it was in the past.
Give us this day our premium rates,
and forgive us our lousy estimates,
as we forgive those who supply us with crappy data.
Lead us not into insolvencies,
and deliver us from auditors.
For thine is the #NAME?, #DIV/0!, and #VALUE!,
forever and ever. Amen.

(Submitted by Steve Tong at stong@loom.com.au)

40. Question: Why did the actuary put in his will that he is to be buried in Israel? Answer: The chances of resurrection are better there. (Submitted by Grudduck@aol.com)
41. An engineer, an architect and an actuary are stranded on a desert island with only one can of baked beans and no can opener. The engineer suggests lighting a fire to heat up the can so that the contents will expand and force the can to open. The architect says the contents would scatter all over the place, so he suggests building a structure around the fire to catch the contents. The actuary says, "Assume a can opener ... ". (Submitted by Jon Lavi at cahal@netvision.net.il)
42. An actuary is standing by an empty swimming pool. As he sees someone running up to dive in, he whispers, "Stop. There is no water in the pool." The diver jumps in and of course lands flat on his face on the dry pool bottom. The actuary shouts, "Told you so." (Submitted by Jon Lavi.)
43. I've never met an actuary whose rates didn't depend on the cost of his character. (Submitted by Daniel Kligman at dandeepoet@earthlink.net)
44. A psychologist was studying the problem-solving abilities of engineers and actuaries. During a joint interview with one engineer and one actuary, the engineer was asked "If there was a fire in the wastebasket and a bucket of water on my desk, what would you do?" The engineer responded that he would put out the fire with the bucket of water. Then the actuary was asked "If there was a fire in the wastebasket and a bucket of water on the window sill, what would you do?" The actuary's studied reply was "I would move the bucket to the desk, thus reducing the problem to the previously solved one." (Submitted by Stephen Prevatt at sprevatt@merlin.nando.net)
45. Question: What do you call an actuary who is talking to someone? Answer: Popular. (Submitted by Lawrence Tsui at ltsui@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au)
46. A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000. The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "I have this situation in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?" (Submitted by Esko Kivisaari@pp.kolumbus.fi)
47. Actuaries are very good at numbers - so good they even do sex by numbers. They know 156 different sexual positions. They just don't know anyone who wants to have sex with them. (Submitted by Colin Priest at cpriest@sunalliance.com.au)
48. A doctor, an engineer and an actuary were arguing about which was the oldest profession. The doctor stated that God created Eve from Adam's rib, which was of course a surgical procedure. The engineer argued that, earlier, God had created order from chaos, which was an engineering feat. "But," asked the actuary, "who created the chaos?" (Submitted by Les Moskowitz at lmoskowi@mail.bcpl.lib.md.us)
49. Question: What's the difference between a lotto player and an actuary? Answer: A lotto player will sometimes get the numbers correct, and an actuary will get a large amount of money he or she didn't work for. (Submitted by Colin Priest)
50. Question: What's the difference between a sperm and an actuary? Answer: The sperm has a one in a million chance of becoming a human being. (Submitted by Mark Scanlon at mark@southernlife.com)
51. Question: How do you keep an actuary in the shower all day? Answer: Give the actuary a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat." (Submitted by Pat Brockett at Brockett@mail.utexas.edu)
52. You can take all the actuaries in the world and put them end to end, and they still won't reach agreement. (Submitted by Kirk Fleming at KirkFleming@compuserve.com)
53. Trendy clothing store for actuaries: the GAAP. (Submitted by Peter Jarvis at Peter-Jarvis@msn.com)
54. Commutation function: an actuary driving to work. (Submitted by Peter Jarvis)
55. Did you hear the one about the actuary who walked into Abar ... ? (Submitted by Peter Jarvis). He sat down and told the continuous story of his whole life.(Joke improved by Anonymous.)
56. Bad News: On February 2, the actuary stuck his head out of his office and saw his shadow. That means six more weeks of year-end. (Submitted by Peter Jarvis)
57. A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an actuary joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an actuary. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an actuary. And the guy sitting next to him is 6'5" tall, 250 pounds, and he's an actuary. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it three times." (Submitted by Peter Jarvis)
58. Definition of an actuarial paper: A triangle circumscribed by a square. (Submitted by Daniel Kligman at dandeepoet@earthlink.net)
59. On Models: It's not that numbers lie, it's that liars and their numbers together number so great that they simply obfuscate. (Submitted by Daniel Kligman) This is Jerry Tuttle's web page. If someone else is claiming this page, then he or she stole it.
60. An actuary is walking down the corridor when he feels a twinge in his chest. Immediately, he runs to the stairwell and hurls himself down. His friend, visiting him in the hospital, asks why he did that. The actuary replies, "The chances of having a heart attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack only. (Submitted by Kelly Wagner, a CPA who works with a lot of actuaries, at Kelly_Wagner@TDI.STATE.TX.US)
61. SWAG method of setting loss reserves: Systematic Wild-Ass Guess. (Submitted by Kelly Wagner)
62. How'd you get that number? POOYA: Pulled Out Of Your Ass (anonymous)
63. Actuarial equivalent to GAAP: Commonly Recognized Actuarial Practices.
64. Question: What do you get when you cross a male actuary and a female actuary?
Answer: Magnitude of male actuary times magnitude of female actuary times sine of the angle between them.
Question: What do you get when you cross an actuary and an a mountain climber?
Answer: You can't do that - a mountain climber is a scalar. (Submitted by Robin Damm at rsndamm@acs.ucalgary.ca)
65. An underwriter takes his two actuaries into a restaurant. The waiter asks the underwriter what he would like to eat, and the underwriter says, "I'll have the steak." Then the waiter asks the underwriter, "And for your vegetables?" The underwriter replies, "They'll have the steak too."
66. An actuary is a person that measures the length of a room by stepping one foot in front of the other, and then uses a micrometer to measure the final remaining position. (Submitted by Don Anson at donald@mvpinsurance.com) An actuary is a person who measures with a micrometer, marks with a chalk, and cuts with an axe. (Submitted by Wayne Abbott at wpabbott@us.oracle.com)
67. Question: How can you tell when a pricing actuary is getting soft? Answer: When he or she actually LISTENS to Marketing before saying "No". (Submitted by Paul Nance at pnance@walco.com)
68. The only difference between actuaries and accountants is that actuaries don't have to know how to golf in order to get a job. (Submitted by Jonathan Gardner at jlg3@email.byu.edu)
69. An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1,248 sheep out there." The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?" The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four." (Submitted by Leif Osvold at logl@online.no)
70. Neither actuary nor actuarial are words that should be used in internal correspondence, external correspondence, or official company titles. Since these words are too difficult to spell and pronounce, the imposing of these words on the majority of the company's employees through their indiscriminate use would create an uncomfortable work environment. In addition, since so few employees or customers of the company know what these words mean, their use would confuse them and cause them to feel inferior.

It is recognized that there are occasions when an employee may find it necessary to use one of these words. However, the employee must precede such use with a statement indicating the incapability of the individual to find an acceptable word to express himself.

The following is an example of how this rule might be implemented. "The (Warning - Prohibited word to follow for which I am incapable of finding an acceptable substitute) actuary must provide an annual certification."
(The above is by Tom Bakos, in "Contingencies", Nov.-Dec., 1997, page 52.)

71. Definition of IBNR: In there, But Not Really. (Submitted by Janet Buchanan at Janet.Buchanan@sscoop.com) Interesting, But Not Reliable (anonymous)Interesting, But Not Relevant (anonymous)
72. Why is remarriage is the actuarial equivalent of death? Workers compensation fatality benefits are generally payable to the surviving spouse until death or remarriage, (Attributed to Ralph Garfield)
73. Broker talking to actuary: "Why did you trend the fidelity losses? Just because someone stole a million dollars last year, does that mean he would have to steal a million plus this year?"
74. Question: Why would an actuary's brain cost more than that of the average person? Answer: An actuary's brain has hardly ever been used. (Submitted by Kim Yeoh at kim.yeoh@themutualgroup.com)
75. There is a huge pigeon problem in the city - pigeon droppings are everywhere and it is a real mess. The mayor tells his staffers to find a way to get rid of the pigeons forever. Many things are tried, but nothing seems to be able to get rid of the pigeons. Finally the staffers find a "pigeon buster" who guarantees to get rid of the pigeons. The pigeon buster tells the mayor that he will get rid of the pigeons immediately, and that he will wait three weeks to get paid. The fee will be five million dollars - plus one million dollars for each question asked. The mayor agrees. The pigeon buster opens up his briefcase, removes a little pink box, and goes off to rid the city of pigeons. Sure enough, the pigeons disappear. They disappear immediately, and they don't come back. Three weeks later the pigeon buster returns to the mayor's office to be paid. The mayor hands him a check for six million dollars. The pigeon buster looks at the check and says, "I guess you want to ask me one question." The mayor replies, "Yeah. Do you have another one of those pink boxes that will get rid of all the actuaries?"
76. Question: Why don't actuaries read novels? Answer: The only numbers in them are page numbers. (Submitted by M. Yogaranpan at jyogaran@wr.com.au)
77. Question: What do actuaries do at parades? Answer: They waive their premiums. (Submitted by Alan Finkelstein at AlanF59220@aol.com)
78. Question: What branch of the armed forces do actuaries enlist in? Answer: The Commissioners Reserve. (Submitted by Alan Finkelstein)
79. Question: What sentence did the actuary receive for first degree murder? Answer: Twenty years certain and life thereafter. (Submitted by Alan Finkelstein)
80. An actuary owns hens that lay eggs, and he collects one egg from them every morning fpr breakfast. He also has an accountant neighbor who watches him collect the eggs each day. One day, one of the hens gets out of its cage and lays the egg in the acountant's back yard. The actuary sees this and challenges the accountant over ownership of the egg. An argument ensues, and the actuary offers to settle it in a contest: "We take turns in kicking each other where it hurts, and whoever takes the least time to get up wins the egg."

The accountant agrees, and the actuary gets to kick first. He goes inside, puts on his steel capped boots, takes a run at the accountant and kicks for his life, right where it hurts the most.

The accountant collapses, and hobbles to his feet after about half an hour. "Now it's my turn," he says with some relish.

The actuary responds, "Nah, keep the egg." (Submitted by Andrew Burge at aburge@powerup.com.au)

81. Definition of a joke to an actuary: Something that ALMOST makes him or her laugh. (Submitted by Jim Turner at jim.turner@milliman.com)
82. David Betterman's Top 10 Things You Will Never Hear an Underwriter Say, from "Ratemaking: Can We Talk?" at the 1998 CAS Ratemaking Seminar

10. I just can't get down to that price ... let me get my Actuary.
9. I wish you priced all of my accounts.
8. Your tail selection looks too low to me.
7. Is it me, or was that Actuarial the life of the party?
6. Maybe you should round UP this time.
5. No hurry.
4. I'm going on a sales call, gather up all the Actuaries.
3. We really want you to join our golf game.
2. Shouldn't we trend AND develop those losses?
1. You actuarial types are worh every penny they pay you.

(Appears with permission of Doug E. Franklin at Doug_E._Franklin@ffic.com)

83. David Betterman's Top 10 Things You Will Never Hear an Actuary Say, from "Ratemaking: Can We Talk?" at the 1998 CAS Ratemaking Seminar

10. I have a hot date tonight.
9. I got a lot out of that marketing meeting.
8. I really like this partitioning.
7. Our prices are too high.
6. I'm here for the sessions.
5. Just throw out that large loss; it'll never happen again.
4. We gotta take more chances here.
3. We can expect your favorable trend to continue indefinitely.
2. Sure I failed Part 3B, but what's important is that I learned a lot of useful information.
1. I loved that Ratemaking '98 General Session.

(Appears with permission of Doug E. Franklin at Doug_E._Franklin@ffic.com)

84. An actuary, who hates going shopping with his wife, takes her to a shop to buy a pullover sweater. His wife likes one pullover but it's too small. Her husband, already bored, tries to make his wife's choice be as quick as possible. "Buy it anyway, it's better if it's small because it will stretch!". Some days after, they go shopping again and return to the same shop to buy another pullover. This time the pullover chosen by the actuary's wife is too big. The actuary, to cut the shopping trip short, says: "Buy it anyway, it's better if it's big because when you wash it it will shrink!". (Submitted by Paolo Loi at Paolo_Loi@Generali.com)
85. She was only an actuary's daughter ... but she knew her surrender value.
86. An actuary and an underwriter are watching the eleven o'clock news. A story comes on involving a man on a window ledge threatening to jump. The underwriter says, "I'll bet you fifty bucks he doesn't jump." The actuary says, "I'll take the bet." A few minutes later they see that the guy does indeed jump. As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, "Never mind. It's not fair. I saw the six o'clock news." The underwriter responds, "So did I. I just didn't think it would happen twice." (Submitted by Tom Toce at ttoce@enterprisere.com)
87. An actuary, traveling in the countryside, spots a shepherd with his flock. He offers, "I'll bet you one of your sheep that I can tell you how many are in your flock." The shepherd, noticing the city-slicker look of the actuary, agrees. "973", the actuary confidently intones. "Amazing, you win", replies the shepherd.

The actuary takes an animal and begins to walk away when the shepherd suddenly says, "Wait, I'll bet you double or nothing I can tell you what your profession is". The actuary, thinking the shepherd couldn't possibly have even heard the word "actuary" before, agrees. "You're an actuary," says the shepherd. The actuary, stunned, says, "How did you know?", to which the shepherd replies, "Put my dog down and I'll explain it to you."

88. Question: How does an actuary get a date? Answer: Go to a bar, and show your W-2. (Submitted by Leonard Myers at lmyers@megsinet.com)
89. Today's actuary can get a certain amount of social respect anywhere ... by pretending to be an economist. (Submitted by Leonard Myers)
90. Question: What is the difference between an actuary and a terrorist? Answer: You can negotiate with a terrorist. (Submitted by Sean Devlin Sean.Devlin@ercgroup.com)
91. The actuarial EA method of estimation: Atmospeheric Extraction. (I got that one out of thin air.) And the HP method: Hocus Pocus. (Submitted by Richard Sieger at 110320.3071@compuserve.com)
92. Non-actuary: "I have a great idea to improve the education level in our country. In order to get people off welfare, let's pass a tax on illiteracy. Anyone who grows up without knowing how to read will have to pay a special tax. That way, everyone will have a financial incentive to stay in school and be productive members of society."
Actuary: "I don't think your plan will work. As an actuary, I must point out that we already have a tax for the mathematically inept, and it doesn't seem to work. It's called 'Powerball'!" (Submitted by Darrel Chvoy)
93. Did you hear about the actuary who was so negative, when he walked into a room people would look around and say, "Who just left?" (Submitted by Gary Venter at GVenter@SedgwickRe.BRKR.com
94. An actuary is in a bar when a woman asks for his phone number. He stops to think for a moment and then replies, "I'm sorry, I've seen so many numbers today. I just can't remember the exact number, but I can probably estimate it to within 10%. (Submitted by Amy Whinston at ackwb@concentric.net)
95. List of actuarial pick-up lines:
7. Of course I won't tell anyone. I'm like the exponential distribution, I have the memoryless property.
6. Is that an official SOA calculator in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Please note that only an official calculator, bearing the seal of the Society of Actuaries, will be accepted as an answer.
5. So, what exam are you sitting for? Hey, what a coincidence, I'm on that exam committee. I've seen the questions they're gonna ask this time. You should see them, it's gonna be a real killer ...
4. My love for you is endless, like a perpetuity.
3. Since the first time I saw you, my interest in you has compounded continuously.
2. I love the way your hairline emulates the p.d.f. of the Gamma distribution.
1. If you put 5 red, 4 yellow, and 3 green balls in an urn, what's the probability of you coming home with me tonight? (Submitted by Jeff McGill.)
"Hi sweetheart. Risk is opportunity." Who could resist that? (Submitted by Mitchell Wiener at mitchellwiener@yahoo.com)
96. What is the difference between an attorney and an actuary? An actuary doesn't need water to walk on. (Submitted by Donald Parkyn at parkyn@justpensions.com)
97. How do you tell the difference between an actuary and the deceased person at a funeral? The deceased has a new tie. (Submitted by Don Palmer at don_palmer@mpic.mb.ca)
98. Question: What is the difference between an actuary and an actuary for the mob? Answer: The actuary knows how many people will die each year, while the actuary for the mob knows their names. (Submitted by Cameron Brett at OM38531@exchange.oldmutual.com) Alternate answer: The actuary for the mob knows the date, time, place and means of death. (Submitted by Chris Hall at JChrisHallFSA@aol.com) Another alternate answer: Only the actuary for the mob is asked to compute Äx. (submitted by Ben Escoto at ben@emerose.org)
99. Question: What do you get from an actuary in the mob? Answer: An offer you do not understand but cannot refuse. (submitted by Peter Barnard at peter.barnard@fairmount.co.uk)
100. A man walks into the actuarial department of an insurance company and sees three actuarial students busily involved in the center of the room. One is holding a long board upright, the second is steadying a chair on a desk upon which the third student is balanced. The third student has one end of a tape measure and the first student has the other. The intruder asks, "What in the world are you doing?" The actuarial students answer, "We're trying to measure this board." The intruder says, "Why not lay it down on the floor and measure it?" The students answer, "We already know how long it is, now we want to see how tall it is." (Submitted by Eric Shipley at EShipley@hcfa.gov)
101. Three actuaries are at heaven's gate and are being questioned by St. Peter on what usefulness they did in life. The first actuary says, "I discovered a new rating plan that rates people more fairly," so St. Peter says, "Fine, welcome to heaven." The second actuary says, "I discovered a new forecasting technique that predicts claims more accurately," so St. Peter says, "Fine, welcome to heaven." The third actuary says, "I invented HMOs." St. Peter says, "Fine, you may stay three days, but then you have to leave."
102. The President, the Pope, a lawyer and an actuary are on a crashing plane. There are only three parachutes. "I should have one, since I'm the President," said the President. "Me too, ... since I'm the Pope," said the Pope. "Well," said the lawyer, "I should escape so we can properly sue the airline," but the actuary said "what about the insurance premiums? Someone has to calculate those!" Everyone stopped to think about it, but it was too late and the plane crashed. (Attributed to Andy McGee)
103. Actuaries are the people who enter the battlefield after the battle is over and bayonet the wounded. (Submitted by John Sallade at jsallade@pacounties.org)
104. Two underwriters boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an actuary got on and took the aisle seat next to the two underwriters. The actuary kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the underwriter in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a soda." "No problem," said the actuary, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the underwriters picked up the actuary's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the soda, the other underwriter said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the actuary obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other underwriter picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Actuary returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Actuary slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in sodas?"
105. Why do male actuaries like to use the end urinal? Because it reduces the probability by 50% of being pissed upon by someone else.
106. What's the difference between an actuary and a coconut? You can get a drink out of a coconut! (Submitted by Mike Ramsay at mramsay@lineone.net)
107. Question: Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, the bad actuary, and the good actuary are in the four corners of a room. A $100 bill floats down to the middle of the room. Who gets it? Answer: the bad actuary. Everybody knows the other three are mere fictional characters. (Submitted by John Robertson at John_Robertson@stpaulre)
108. During an actuarial convention in Las Vegas, there was an actuary at a soda machine who had arrived there just before an underwriter who had also come to get a soda. The actuary put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and placed the soda on a counter next to the machine. Then the actuary pulled out a dollar, inserted it into the machine, studied the machine carefully, pushed the button for Coke Classic, and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. The actuary immediately took the 50 cents, put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. The actuary placed both sodas on the counter next to the Diet Coke. As the actuary was reaching for more change, the underwriter, who had been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, asked, "Excuse me, but are you done yet?" The actuary looked at the underwriter and replied indignantly, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?" (Submitted by Darrell Chvoy)
109. American Pi (not a misspelling) - to the tune of "Bye Bye, Miss American Pie"

A long, long time ago... I can still remember how
Computers used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could make electrons dance,
And maybe I'd be happy for a while.
But January made me shiver,
It chilled me deep down in my liver,
Bad news I'd collected...
I couldn't get connected.
I can't remember back that day
When I first knew the Y2K
But something touched me anyway,
The day computers died.

So,. ..Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
This will be the day I retire

Can you write in C plus plus?
And do you have faith in your local bus
If the driver tells you so?
Do you believe in Compaq's goals
Can software save your mortal soul
And can you teach me how to type real slow?
Well I thought that you were prepared
Cause your memo said you weren't impaired
Your stationery's swell
But you can go to hell
I was a lonely teenage Unix hack
With an incantation and a modem jack
But I knew the cat had left the sack
The day computers died
I started singin'...

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
This will be the day I retire

Now for ten years we've ignored the threat
And we haven't solved the problem yet
But that's not how it used to be
When the luddites read for the king and queen
With a light they filled with kerosene
And some manuals they stole from you and me
And while Bill Gates was looking pleased
Time stole his monopolies
The courtroom was adjourned
No verdict was returned
While Apple tried a color scheme
The engineers returned to steam
And we had purges of their dreams
The day computers died
We were singin'

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
This will be the day I retire

Intel inside in an iron smelter
The food leftover from my fallout shelter
Twinkies old and aging fast
I'd rather eat the grass
Q and A tried for a system crash
With the tester on the sidelines in a cast
Now the timeshare net was running Doom
While mainframes played a marching tune
We all tried to log in
Oh, but we never could begin
'Cause Cobol tried to take the field,
And Hollerith refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed,
The day computers died?
We started singing

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
This will be the day I retire

There we were all in a state
A generation - really late
With no time left to start again
So come on mouse be nimble, mouse be quick
Don't let my spreadsheet data stick
Cause data is the devil's only friend.
As I watched him on my screen
My hands and face were drenched in steam
No angel born in hell
Could run that stupid shell
And as the ball climbed high into the night
To call the sacrificial night
I saw Dick Clark laughing with delight
The day computers died.
I met a girl with a cell phone
And I asked her for a dial tone
But she just smiled and turned away

I went down to the software store
Where I'd seen computers years before
But the man there said the games there wouldn't play
And in the streets the children screamed
The lovers cried and the poets dreamed
Their interface was spoken
The Internet was broken

And the three things I connect to most
The Website, Lan and the Network host
Every single one was toast
The day computers died
They were singin'

Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi
Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry
And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies
Saying this will be the day I retire
This will be the day I retire
110. The CEO of a insurance company loses his Chief Actuary and hires a firm of headhunters to find a new one. After a while they contact him to say they have five candidates for interview. To their surprise he asks if any of them has only one arm. After checking the files they indeed find one who has only one arm. The CEO immediately says "ok, I'll take him". When asked why, the CEO replies "I want an actuary who can make a decision. I'm fed up with actuaries who keep saying "but on the other hand..." (Submitted by Michael Kwan at Michael.Kwan@munich.netsurf.de)
What does an actuary's wife do when she has insomnia? She rolls over and says, "Tell me again, darling. Just what is it you do for a living?" (Submitted by Peter H. Knutson at knutson@wharton.upenn.edu)
111. An accountant, a lawyer, and an actuary are walking down the street when they come upon a man who has just accidently dropped a number of coins out of his pocket onto the sidewalk. The accountant glances around at the coins, totals their value, and advises the man on how much he lost. The lawyer ignores the coins and starts searching the sidewalk for dollar bills. And the actuary uses the total value of the lost coins to project what's left in the guy's pocket. (Submitted by Don Brockmeier at dbrockmeier@gaic.com)
112. A farmer wants to improve the milk production of his cows so he brings in an engineer, a psychologist, an actuary and a physicist to analyze his problem. The engineer says, "Well, if we make the stalls this big and add a loft and put more stalls there and if we run the pipes this way and that, then we can fit more cows in this building and increase you milk production." The psychologist says, "Well, if we paint the floor green and the walls and ceiling blue we can trick the cows into thinking they are outside. This will make them happier and happier cows will produce more milk." The actuary says, "I don't actually have an approach, but if you try both the engineer's and psychologist's approach, I can set up the statistics to tell you which you should have done in the first place. I wonder how credible cows are though?" Finally, the farmer turns to the physicist who says, "Ok, assume the cow is a sphere..." (Submitted by Chris at cooksec@nationwide.com)
113. Some insurance company officers are taking a walk in the woods. Following a path, they come upon a dead bird. The actuary bends down, examines the bird carefully, and says: "I think we may be able to determine how this bird died." The agent says: "It makes no difference how it died--it wasn't MY fault." The accountant says: "Not another dead bird! How are we going to bury THIS one?" The auditor carefully notes exactly what kind of dead bird it is, and looks around for more. The claims manager says, "Oh, this kind of dead bird is never going to happen again." And the product manager says: "This bird isn't dead! I swear, it's going to start flying around any minute now!" (Submitted by Tom Holzwarth at Tom_Holzwarth@progressive.com)
114. Actuaries are accountants who couldn't stand the excitement.
115. A marketing person was trying to convince the insurance agent that a glass half full of water could be easily sold to the companies' clientele. An actuary was standing near by watching the exchange.
Marketer: This is our newest product. A glass half full of water. It is clear, refreshing and satisfying. This is the best water on the market. Anyone could sell this.
Agent: It is half empty, how do you expect me to sell that? No one should be expected to sell a half empty glass.
Actuary: Personally, I think you gave him way too much glass. (Submitted by Robert Himmelstein at rhimmel@gclifere.com)
116. Question: How do you get an actuary to laugh on a Thursday? Answer: a) Tell him or her a joke on a Monday. b) Trick question, actuaries never laugh. (b) submitted by Dan Wylam at dlwktb@umr.edu)
117. Dear Dr Ruth,
I have a problem which I hope you can help me with.
My mother and father are divorced. I have one brother who is an actuary in London. My other brother is serving his second prison sentence for rape. My mother is 8 months pregnant by the neighbour next door and he refuses to marry her. My two sisters work the streets and hotels at night. My father lives off their earnings.
Recently I met a very attractive girl, who is an ex-prostitute, and whom I love. She has three lovely children - one black, one Asian and one white.
The problem is this, Dr Ruth; should I tell my girl about my brother being an actuary? (Submitted by Chris Holden at HOLDENC@apci.com)
118. Several actuaries were sitting around at an actuaries joke telling convention. These actuaries knew their jokes so well that they assigned numbers to them. In order to save time, instead of telling the joke they would just shout out the number.
"387" shouted out one actuary. The others all laughed loudly in approval of the joke.
"834 shouted another of the actuaries. The others laughed mildly at this one.
"1,023" shouted another of the actuaries. Most of the others laughed mildly at this one. There was one young actuary in the group who was rolling on the floor and laughing hysterically at that joke.
The actuary who shouted out "1,023" settled the young actuary who had been rolling on the floor and then asked him "What is it about joke 1,023 that is so funny?"
"I never heard that one before", replied the young actuary. (Submitted by Ed Baum at baume3j@home.com)
Alternate ending:
An actuary new to the group, seeing how others get a laugh by shouting out the joke numbers, says "214." No one laughs. He tries another, "427." Again, no response. He tries one final time, "591." Nothing but glassy stares. He asks the actuary next to him, "Why doesn't anyone laugh at mine?" The other actuary replies, "Some people just can't tell jokes." (Submitted by Frank Dennison at FDENNISO@travelers.com)
119. Why it's better to work with an imperfect actuary:
Of course we know: A perfect actuary draws perfect conclusions form perfect datasets.
Then of course : A perfect actuary certainly draws "wrong conclusions" from imperfect data.
Now we know that the data are always imperfect.
So that we can conclude that there is at least a small chance that an imperfect actuary may draw the right conclusion.
That's why it's better to work with an imperfect actuary. (submitted by Jos Berkemeijer at y.berkemeijer@chello.nl)
120. A group of people is touring the Grand Canyon, and the tour guide asks if anyone knows the age of the canyon. Everybody is mumbling but nobody answers. An actuary raises his hand and says, "one million and three years old!" The guide is amazed and asks the actuary how he knows this so exactly. The actuary answers, "Three years ago I visited the Grand Canyon, and one of your guides said the canyon was one million years old." (Submitted by Leon Zijlmans at Leon.Zijlmans@nl.wmmercer.com)
121. The actuary from New York City was interviewing for a job in another city, and it seems the prospective boss did not like New Yorkers. The boss said to the actuary, "In this job, sometimes you will have to explain your work to people without using numbers. For example, how would you explain the number nine without using numbers?"
The actuary thinks for a moment and draws three trees on a piece of paper. "That's easy," he says. "Tree plus tree plus tree equals nine."
The boss thinks the actuary is a wise-guy and replies, "Hmm, how would you explain the number ninety-nine without using numbers?"
The actuary thinks a little longer this time and smudges each of the three trees with his thumb. "Dirty-tree plus Dirty-tree plus Dirty-tree equals ninety-nine," he says with a smile.
Now the boss is getting frustrated and tries one more time. "All right, how would you explain the number one hundred without using numbers?"
The actuary draws a tiny dot underneath each of the three trees. "There were three dogs, and each of them did their business by these trees. Dirty-tree and a turd plus Dirty-tree and a turd plus Dirty-tree and a turd plus equals one hundred." (Submitted by Jim Hall at james.hall12@worldnet.att.net)
122. An actuary a doctor and a priest play golf together. They have a good day but it takes hours and hours to complete the course because the four in front are unbelievably slow. After the game they go to the club bar and have a drink. The club captain not having seen the new members welcomes them and asks them how their game went. They say how enjoyable it was but not really wanting to criticize they comment on how long the four in front took. The club captain explains the story that they are four firemen who in a tragic accident at a fire at the golf club house were blinded rescuing players from the bar. They are now honorary members allowed to play whenever they want but they do understandably take a while to complete a round. The doctor apologies and says he will get a friend who is a professor in eye surgery to have a free look to see if anything at all can be done. The priest says all his congregation will pray for them at church. The actuary thinks for a while and asks, "Couldn't they play at night?" (submitted by Peter Barnard at peter.barnard@fairmount.co.uk)
123. When you ask an actuary a question that requires a one-sentence answer, they respond by telling you where to find the source material from which you can calculate the answer yourself, then proceed to describe the pros and cons of different methods of calculation. (submitted by Joseph Michael at jmichael@WingedKeel.com)
124. The classic party misunderstanding:
- "What do you do for a living?"
- "I'm an actor"
- "Really!! Have you valued any pension funds that I may have heard of?" (submitted by David Harrup)
125. A guy walks into a butcher's shop looking for something for his dinner. Sitting in the refrigerator are two piles of what looks like brains. The customer turns to the butcher and says to him "What are these in the refrigerator?"
The butcher replies that the plate on the left contains accountants brains, which he is selling for $1 a pound and the other contains actuaries brains which he will sell for 10 cents a pound.
The customer is quite surprised at hearing that actuaries brains were so cheap, as he always thought actuaries were highly intellegent people, so he asked the butcher about the discrepancy.
The butcher replies "Yeah, but have you any idea how hard it is to find accountants brains?" (submitted by Michael Gardiner at michael.gardiner@kpmg.ie)
126. According to a 5th degree osculatory extrapolation of the last 6 SOA yearbooks (before they went electronic!), by the year 2038 there will be more Actuaries than people. (Attributed to Fred Kilbourne at a joint CAS/SOA meeting on 4/10/78, and submitted by Bob Gabriel at bgabriel@standard.com)
127. One actuary to another: "Come on, man, live on the edge; test at 0% level of significance." (submitted by Hitesh Solanki at alienonweed@yahoo.com)
128. This joke was deleted.
129. How does an accountant liven up a party? He invites an actuary. (attributed to Joey Adams in the New York Post; submitted by Al Weller at alweller@mbainc.to)
130. An actuary's wife had a cat that continually annoyed him. In the middle of the night, the actuary got up and took the cat to a nearby lake. There he took a boat to the deepest part of the lake and put the cat in a bag filled with rocks. He securely closed the bag and threw it overboard. The next day his wife was quite distraught at the cat's disappearance. To show his concern, the actuary called the local newspaper to place a lost cat ad. For return of the cat a $10,000 reward was offered. When questioned about the size of the reward the actuary stated "when you are confident of your contingencies, you can be liberal with your benefits". (submitted by Michael Swiecicki at Michael_Swiecicki@CalPERS.CA.GOV)
131. Question: What does FCAS stand for? Answer: F***ing Clever At Sums
132. As luck would have it an underwriter lived next door to an actuary. The underwriter was getting sick and tired of loaning out the many personal belongings that the actuary frequently asked to borrow. After all, the actuary should have been able to afford these items for his own.

One day the underwriter saw the neighbor actuary approach. Planning on tricking the actuary, the underwriter decided to deny whatever request the actuary made.

Actuary: "Are you going to be using your power saw today?"
Underwriter: "Sorry, I actually have a lot of wood to cut with my saw and I will be using it all day."
Actuary: "That's okay. So I can borrow your golf clubs then, right?" (submitted by Darrel Chvoy at FCAS@fightingillini.com)

133. An actuary is spotted by a police officer, completely naked, roaming the streets of a city centre in the middle of the night. Inevitably the officer approaches the actuary and wants an explanation.

"Well," said the actuary, "I was at this party out in the suburbs with a bunch of young professionals, it was really swinging, drink was flowing and everyone was having a really great time. Then suddenly this guy yells out 'Hey everybody, why don't we throw all our clothes off and really go to town !!'...... so here I am."

134. It's tougher to be an actuary than to be a mathematician. A mathematician only has to prove he's right. An actuary has to actually be right. (submitted by Jim Hollerman at jhollerm@usd.edu)
135. Why did the actuary keep a can of lubricating oil in his top drawer? To oil the wheels of his chair; otherwise they might squeak and someone might notice he was there... (submitted by Jeremy Havard at Havard@rka.co.uk)
136. There is an actuary who is trying to pick someone up at a bar. The person at the bar asks, "So, what do you do for a living?" The actuary responds, "I model." The person at the bar responds, "Really?! I never would have guessed. What kind of modelling?" The actuary answers, "Actuarial Modelling!" (submitted by Tanya Eng at tee4fun@yahoo.com )
137. Three actuaries go to lunch. The waiter leaves a check for $26.40 at the edge of the table. When the waiter returns, how much does he find to pay the bill? Answer: Zero. Actuaries always round to the nearest ten million. (Submitted by David O'Neill at David_O'Neill@ffic.com)
138. Question: How do you differentiate an Actuary? Answer: dActuary/dx.
Question: How do you differentiate an Actuary on holiday? Answer: dActuary/dx + c. (submitted by Marc Sofer at MarcSo@discoveryhealth.co.za)
139. An actuary is flying on an old-style 4 prop plane to the annual meeting. Partway through the flight one engine conks out. The pilot comes over the intercom to advise the passengers that one engine is dead, but the plane is perfectly capable of flying on three, although this will delay their arrival time by one hour. A while later, the pilot advises the passengers that unfortunately, a second engine has ceased to function. He reassures them that the plane can fly on only two engines, but their arrival time will now be delayed by 3 hours. Shortly after, the pilot has more bad news - the 3rd engine is not working, but he reassures everyone again that the plane is perfectly capable of continuing with only one engine working, but that their arrival time will now be delayed by 7 hours. At this news, the actuary can no longer contain his frustration. He turns to the passenger sitting next to him and says "Boy that's just great - if the 4th engine stops working we're going to be up here forever!". (submitted by Ken Hunter at kenh@hunter-mccorquodale.com)
140. An actuary is a dweeb who reads very thick books with tiny, tiny print and enjoys the footnotes more than the text. (submitted by Frank D. Repp at fdr@ DefinedBenefitActuaries.com)
An actuary is a person who wanted to be a plumber but refused to take crap off anyone. (submitted by Frank D. Repp)
141. An actuary is a geek who wanted to work at home, but whose spouse wouldn't allow a mouse in the house. (submitted by Frank D. Repp)
142. ACTUARIAL EXAM QUESTION THAT NEVER WAS: Iggy is deciding whether to invest $140 to take actuarial exam #2. (He has already failed the exam once, but the first $140 should be considered a sunk cost). If he passes the exam he will be able to get a job which pays $50,000 per year. Assume that this salary is to be delivered as a perpetuity receivable twice monthly for the remainder of Iggy's life. His salary will be adjusted at the end of each year to keep up with the CPI, which is currently at 9.5%. Assume this student's job prospects otherwise to be negligible (i.e., opportunity cost of capital = 0) and that the probability of his passing the exam is 1 in 400 billion. Determine whether Iggy should embark in this venture using a) the NPV method b) the discounted payback rule c) five paper clips and a stick of balsam wood.
A) Yes.
B) No.
C) Yes.
D) No, because the APV method should have been used instead.
E) A but not C (if so, explain why).
(submitted by Brent Sallay at brentsallay@yahoo.com)
143. A financial director rings his long standing actuarial firm and asks "Can I speak to an Actuary please." The receptionist passes the Financial Director through to the actuarial department and the actuarial manager says him, "for the last time, you've changed over to a money purchase scheme, so don't need a Scheme Actuary." The finance director replies: "I know, I just wanted to hear you say it again." (submitted by Jonathan Stapleton at jstapleton@msm.co.uk)
144. Question: How many actuaries does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: What the hell is a light bulb, that wasn't on any of the exams! (submitted by Michael Barton at michael.barton@washburn.edu)
145. Question: How many accountants does it take to find the present value of an annuity? Answer: Three. One to determine the amount of each payment, one to figure out which account to put the answer in, and one to go ask an actuary how to calculate it. (submitted by Michael Barton)
146. Question: How can you tell the difference between a CPA and an Actuary? Answer: By which side of the bars the person is on.(submitted by Michael Barton)
Enhanced answer: The actuaries are the ones visiting, the CPAs are the ones being visited. (submitted by Samuel Pozzi at samuel.pozzi@hotmail.com)
147. Reflections on a botched interview

(can you feel the bitterness?)

Candidate A, regale us of your qualities,
Dazzle us with your toothy grin.
Transcend the knocking of your knees,
Do all which must this job for to win.

Well sirs I am a humanitarian chap,
I devote my life to fellow man.
I work to alleviate the poverty trap,
And give up a few pence whenever I can.

Candidate A, are you off your rocker?
This is an interview for an actuarial post!
Get out of this office you plebeian focker,
Before of your arse I make a Sunday roast.

To candidate B, we repeat the question,
But be forewarned by your predecessor's folly.
Don't make the same mistakes and bad impression,
Or it'll be in haste you'll be gathering your brolly.
Well sirs, I'm an ambitious young boy.
With personality to burn and such charm, I'd say
An addition to the office I'd be to employ,
With camaraderie and jokes and fun all day.

Candidate B, you've missed the point.
As qualities we don't view personality and charm.
Not worth a fiddler's curse in this joint,
Now scuttle out of here 'fore we do you a harm.

Candidate C, don't even waste out time,
We see you are wearing a humorous tie.
Candidate D, have a chime,
You couldn't be worse than the other guy.

Well good sirs, I'm your man for the job,
With a personality like clay for you to mould.
Under orders from above I'm a brain-dead schlob,
Like a cheap hooker, you better believe it: I'll fold.

Candidate D, you had so much promise,
But I'm afraid we'll have to bid you on your way.
We couldn't have such an extrovert among us,
Too much personality is a personality of clay.

Next! You there! Fathead let's make this speedy,
Candidate E, we'll make this clear.
Adjectives we prize are gutless and greedy,
A predelectation for kissing rear.

Well sirs I'm such a soulless man,
I'd refuse a pension to my own mother.
I stole this suit from Oxfam,
And my conscience without a shudder.

Candidate E, we are well impressed!
We like the cut of your jib!
Refutation of a pension to your mother no less!
Though according to our files, we already did.

Candidate F, can you match that?
A model prospective employee if ever I did see.
How is your impersonation of a rat?
Are you yet purged of all trace of creativity?

Sirs, Soulless is my middle name.
I make Gore Vidal look like St. Ther�se.
From independent thinking I wilfully abstain,
Blissfully, at a computer, I'll while away my days.

As for my youthful na�ve creativity,
DCU soon relieved me of that.
And fostered a love of vacuity.
And my irreproachable mimicry of a rat.

HIRED!!!!
(submitted by vincent.kelly3@mail.dcu.ie)
148. Question: What do you call an actuary who graduates last in his/her class? Answer: A CPA: Can't Pass Actuarial Exams! Alternate answer: an accountant. (submitted by Andrew Rohrer at arr002@lvc.edu)
149. Question:What happens when the Grim Reaper is busy? Answer: Death in deferment!
150. Question: Why is an artist who makes plastic sculptures of Nostradamus like an actuary? Answer: Because he creates models to forecast the future. (submitted by Chris Stokes at chris.stokes@talk21.com)
151. There are two kinds of experienced actuaries. There are those who say they have made significant forecasting errors, and there are those who say they have not made significant forecasting errors and are liars. (submitted by Kirk Fleming at KirkFleming@aegislimited.com)
152. An actuary is a mathematician with a brand of insanity so rare as to be valuable. Since sound means free from injury or disease, "actuarial soundness" is therefore an oxymoron.
153. Question: Why did the underwriter deny coverage to the nudist colony? Answer: There were no sufficient rates to cover the exposure. (submitted by Ryan Elmore at ElmoVT@yahoo.com).
154. Question: How many consulting actuaries does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer: Three. One to change it, and the other to confuse the issue. (submitted by Avi at cascandidate@yahoo.com).
155. Question: What is an actuary's favorite dessert? Answer: Pi (submitted by Brian Rocks at rocks@rider.edu); Pi to the t th (submitted by Finlay Marshall).
156. Obituary headline in consulting actuarial firm's newspaper: "Two Pensioners Release Their Reserves". (submitted by Robert Moore at rjmoore@rogers.com).
157. While considering the use of industry data to compare with company data, the actuary wryly commented, "That's not benchmark data - it's more like couchmark. (attributed to Neil Bethel.)
158. Question: Why are actuaries called mental Einsteins? Answer: Because nobody else understands the relativities that they propose. (submitted by Ed Baum at EBaum@mercuryinsurance.com).
159. Three men are applying for a job and are signing in at the security desk. The first man signs his name with an x. The security guard asked why he used an x, and the man explained that he was illiterate, his name was Alfonso, and so he used an x.

The second man signs his name with an xx. The security guard asked why he used an xx, and the man explained that he was illiterate, his name was Bob Jenkins, and so he used an xx.

The third man signs his name with an xxx. This time the guard was prepared. He said, "You have a double last name, and you're illiterate, aren't you?" "Well, I am illiterate," the man replied," but I don't have a double last name, my name is Peter Jones." "Then why did you use the third x?" the guard asked. "Oh, that's my actuarial designation," was the reply. (Submitted by John Turton at John.Turton@scottishwidows.co.uk)

160. Question: What does FIA stand for? Answer: Finger in Air, or Finger in Arse.
161. An actuary is somebody who takes a cheap guess and calls it an expensive opinion. (Submitted by Richard Block)
Question: What's the difference between an actuary and a corpse? Answer: The corpse is better dressed. (Submitted by Thomas D. Snook at tom.snook@milliman.com)
162. Question: Why don't actuaries ever cheat at golf? Answer: Because they can't round down. (Submitted by Scott Meyer at smeyer@deltadentalwi.com)
163. Question: What do actuaries and Packer fans have in common? Answer: They both like to think that history will repeat itself. (Submitted by Scott Meyer)
164. An actuary, an accountant, and a notary walk into a bar. They order beers. When the beers arrive the actuary sniffs at his suspiciously, makes a face, and says, "If I drink this, I'll probably die." The accountant scrutinizes the tab and says, "So don't drink it, you can't afford it anyway." The notary says, "You said it!" (Submitted by ActuarialOutpost.com)
165. Question: What did the actuarial mob boss say about the new recruit? Answer: They're gonna "makeham". (Submitted by Aaron at weinrei5@msu.edu)
166. The Actuary Song (to the tune of Monty Python's Lumberjack Song)

I'm a number jock and I'm okay
I price all night and reserve all day
He's a number jock and he's okay
He rates all night, and reserves all day

I cut da-ta
I group and bunch
I smooth catastrophes
I cap, trend and develop
And add some L-A-E

He cuts da-ta

I weight my years
I add expense
I use credibility
I pick sound leverage ratios
And achieve my ROE

He weights his years

I argue rates
With Marketing
And growth nut Senior Veeps
There'll be no excess profits
While I've got friends like these

He argues rates

My keyboard sticks
My drive is full
My monitor is green
My new improved computer
Is from the Seventies

His keyboard sticks

I took exams
I had no life
During my long studies
Now that I'm FCAS
Weekends at last are free
( sometimes )

He took exams

(submitted by bmu)
167. Question: What do you call an actuary with a sense of humour ? Answer: Part Qualified. (Submitted by Nick Spencer at nick.spencer@lehman.com)
168. Four men die and are welcomed by Albert Einstein in heaven. The first says: "Hi, I am John and my IQ is 187." Einstein says: "We shall do quantum physics together." The second man says: "Hi, I am James and my IQ is 134." Einstein says: "We shall do math together." The third man says: "Hi, I am Tony and my IQ is 115." Einstein says:"We shall do European history together." The fourth man says: Hi, I am Stephen and my IQ is 97." Einstein says:" We shall do Actuarial Science together." (Submitted by Njabulo.Zondo at Njabulo.Zondo@students.wits.ac.za)
169. An underwriter and an actuary walked into a pub. The underwriter said "ouch!" The actuary replied, "Watch out!!" (Submitted by John Buchanan at JBuchanan@platinumre.com)
170. An actuary is someone who wanted to be a barber but the examinations were too hairy. (Submitted by Frank Repp at fdr1943@bellsouth.net)
171. An actuary always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street! (Submitted by Bob Reuter at UltimateLife@bellsouth.net); because only a fool drives down a one-way street the wrong way, and who wants to be knocked down by a fool? (submitted by Finlay Marshall)
172. You can sure tell an actuary but you can't tell them much! (Submitted by Bob Reuter)
173. After taking a course in heredity, an actuary concludes if your parents didn't have children, the probability is very high that you won't either! (Submitted by Bob Reuter)
174. After collecting hundreds of obituaries, an actuary concludes that on any given day, people die in alphabetical order! (Submitted by Bob Reuter)
175. Two Underwriting Coeds are chatting. The first asks, "How was your blind date with that actuarial science major?" The second replies, "I had to slap his face!" The first asks, "Was he that fresh?" The second replies," No - I was afraid he was dead!" (Submitted by Bob Reuter)
176. The difference between actuaries and accountants is actuaries already know they are dull and boring! (Submitted by Bob Reuter)
177. An actuary arrives very late to his exam. He quickly answers the first and last questions and then applies the Whittaker-Henderson Modified Osculatory Interpolation Formula Minimizing Second Differences to derive the other answers. The examiners sent this note along with his exam score. "We were very impressed with the smoothness of your answers. Unfortunately, we were looking for goodness of fit." (Submitted by Bob Reuter)
178. So the actuary walked up to the rural Maine farmhouse and started asking questions of the farmer. After a bit, she asked, "What's the death rate around here?" A bit perplexed, the farmer thought a minute, removed his corn cob pipe from between his teeth, and replied, "About one to a person." (Submitted by John Cornell at jrcornell@jonesday.com)
179. An actuary is someone who tells you about a problem you never thought you had, and in a way you can't understand. (submitted by Douglas Herdman at douglas.herdman@aegon.co.uk)
180. Being abducted and probed by space aliens wasn't bad enough, now I find my HMO won't pay for it because the actuary never priced for it. (submitted by Mark Simon)
181. The Three Laws of Actuarial Ratemaking Science: 1. All state filings work pretty much the same way. 2. Every state is an exception to the first rule. 3. New York is New York. (submitted by Mark Simon)
182. A Bayesian actuary is someone who, vaguely expecting a horse, and catching a glimpse of a donkey, strongly believes he has seen a mule. (submitted by Mark Simon)
183. "79.48% of all statistics are made up on the spot." - attributed to John A. Paulos
184. One day there was a fire in a wastebasket in the Dean's office and in rushed a physicist, a chemist, and a actuary. The physicist immediately starts to work on how much energy would have to be removed from the fire to stop the combustion. The chemist works on which reagent would have to be added to the fire to prevent oxidation. While they are doing this, the actuary is setting fires to all the other wastebaskets in the office. "What are you doing?" they demanded. "Well to solve the problem, obviously you need a large sample size."(submitted by Mark Simon)
185. Explanation of IBNR: IBNR is like having a love child that you did not know about; sooner or later he/she is going to turn up on your doorstep. (submitted by Ronald Poon Affat at ronald.poon@tempoassist.com.br)
186. Question: What is the difference between an actuary and a kleptomaniac? Answer: An actuary considers things figuratively. A kleptomaniac takes things literally. (submitted by Darrel Chvoy)
187. An actuary walks into a-bar and begins to drink continuously. (submitted by Gregory Koch at Gregory.Koch@uconn.edu)
188. It is a little known fact that Noah was an actuary.

When deciding which animals to take into the Ark he made careful calculations of life expectancy, birth rates and mortality, to decide which animals should go into the Ark, so when the time came to release them, they would optimally populate the earth.

And it came to pass, that the floods receded and Noah released the animals, instructing them to: "Go forth and multiply".

To test his assumptions at his first triennial review he went about the earth and saw that, as he had predicted, there were five baby tigers, a thousand ants and two elephants and he declared that he was the best actuary ever. But then he heard the sound of sawing from the forest. He went to investigate and there were two snakes cutting down a tree. Noah was not pleased.

"Why are you destroying the forest?"

"But you told us to go forth and multiply" the snakes replied.

"But why are you destroying the forest?"

"We're adders. We need logs to multiply." (anonymous)
189. An actuarial student goes into a store and buys 2 copies of “Actuarial Science for Dummies” at $16.99 each. The total cost was $50. (submitted by Tony Batory at tony_batory@uhc.com)
TBA


If you have an actuarial joke to add, please email it to me at fcas@aol.com I ask that jokes be related to actuaries; be clean; and not be offensive to a gender, NATIONALITY, race, religion, sexual preference, etc. (Note that I have capitalized NATIONALITY; if a joke depends on a specific nationality, then I am not going to use it. Even if you are a member of the nationality and are not offended.) It is OK for a joke to be offensive to a profession. I also ask that jokes not be so subject specific that many actuaries won't "get" them (e.g., "a funny thing happened to me as I was applying the Smith-Jones technique ... "). I reserve the right to decide if a certain joke should not appear.

I will attribute your joke to you and include your e-mail address and web site, unless you request otherwise.

Who knows humor more than the actuarial exam committee?

And while you're at it, visit my personal page. Jerry Tuttle, FCAS.

Do you know a prospective math teacher who needs some study material for the Praxis II math exams? Visit here.





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